I had such a great time with Nina here the last couple of days – I was definitely sad to see her leave.  To share these experiences with people I love makes it that much more special.  Nina and I met several years ago when we were both dating guys who happened to be friends.  The relationships with the guys didn’t last, but we have become really wonderful friends. For your entertainment, I have sprinkled this post with pics of Nina and I from over the years

I want more and more to be with people, to laugh and socialize, to share these adventures… whether it’s with old friends who come out to visit me or new friends I make on the road.  I spent the last few years of my life in a pretty intense state of isolation.  Looking back, I’m positive that part of my isolation was from the antidepressant I’d been on for 12 years (this past September was my 1 year anniversary of getting off that shit… a hard won battle).  Traveling has also helped yank me out of that tendency toward isolation. I’ve found that the people who enter my experience are wonderful, and I want to interact with them.  What was it that I was trying to shelter myself from before? Why did I, perhaps unconsciously, work so hard to shut myself out from the world?  I see now how gray isolation can be – dangerous even.  There’s a difference between being comfortable with solitude and shutting yourself out from the world.

I’ve spent the last couple of months renewing friendships and touching base with the people I love.  I understand now, that is what life is really about.

I also have a changed understanding of love.  It’s infinite.  There’s no limit to the amount of love I can give (or receive).  Some things are numbered… my days of life, my threshold for pain, but other things, like my love and grace, are unending.

I’m seeing how beautiful it can be to show whole, genuine love to total strangers, with no expectations of any sort.  To show love and give it – not because the receiver will give me anything back – but for the simple exhilaration of giving it.

I’m seeing all the different forms that love can take.  Giving, whether it’s a compliment, words of advice, cash… whatever… giving is an act of love.  Giving from the heart always feels good because it’s a way of showing love.

After I left Moab, I stopped in a gas station in Navajo Nation to fill up.  A young girl (maybe early 20s) came up to me and explained that she was out of gas and was just trying to get to her aunt’s house, which was about 65 miles away.  She pointed to her car, and before she could ask me for any cash, I pulled out a twenty dollar bill from my wallet and give it to her.

You would have thought I’d just given her a winning lottery ticket.  She thanked me profusely, pulled her car around to the pump next to

mine, and went inside to pay for the gas.  When she came back out, she made small talk with me as she filled up.  That – was love. I expected nothing back.  She needed gas and I could help her get it – and that made me feel GREAT! (also, the more you give the more you receive – I closed a new contract the very next day, which was worth 200 times the $20 I gave to that girl – not a bad return).

I just want to circle back around to my initial discussion of isolation.  In my self-imposed isolation, I closed myself off to all these wonderful experiences of love.  I failed to see all the different ways that love can be given and received – to understand that it is so much more than an intimate exchange with a lover, but rather, a state of being.  The more I open myself up to life, to experiences, the more I feel the energy of love in just about everything I do.  I want to be one of those people who embody love – who just ooze love effortlessly, joyfully, all the time.  Not just with my good friends, like Nina, but with everyone who I am blessed to cross paths with each day.

Today was a quick and easy drive to the Tucson area.  I was in Sedona for almost two weeks, but it wasn’t long enough. There is SO much to see and so many amazing trails to hike.  I had planned to do a lot of road biking but ended up mostly running and hiking.  To get to the really beautiful stuff in Sedona, you have to be on foot.

Sedona is a special place.  The selfish part of me doesn’t want to gush because I don’t want it to become too popular, to commercial.  In this society, we have a way of destroying nature’s beauty.  Sedona is perfect the way it is.  But…with that said, it’s a really special place for seekers – those who are looking to grow inward and upward.  A visit to Sedona won’t magically make you happy, but it might help you discover what changes you need to find happiness and fulfillment.  There’s special energy in those rocks.  I can’t explain it, but I felt it.  To commune with nature is a powerful thing, but to do it somewhere like Sedona is particularly epic.

I know that not everyone is into energy and vibrations…but I am.  My understanding of those things have radically changed my life. I am certainly not on a mission to convert anyone into a believer in the law of attraction, vibrations, common consciousness, or the power of positive thinking – but to periodically share my experiences and perspectives (which often harken back to those things).  Take from this blog with you may – so long that what you take affects you in a positive way. 🙂

Over the last few weeks, I’ve been seeing a lot of “memories” pop up on Facebook – flashbacks of posts from 4-5 years ago.  I’m not sure if I was just posting more often back then or what, but a lot of what I see in those old posts… makes me cringe.  Truly.  The cynicism and negativity that was oozing out of me a few years ago is hard to stomach, now.  The crazy thing is that I actually considered myself a positive person.  I’ve been looking back at these cringe-y posts with gratitude – thankful that I’m not that person anymore.  It’s no wonder life felt so rough then; my attitude toward it completely sucked.

The common thread in those old posts is judgement.  Heavy, harsh judgement on just about everything. From politics to pop culture, I had something critical to say.  I started working on suspending judgement about a year ago, and that’s probably resulted in one of the most significant, positive changes in my outlook.  I still recognize things I don’t like, but rather than dwelling on them and wasting my energy crafting lists of all the things I don’t like, or why something is wrong, or detailing my distaste for someone’s behavior – I just remove those things from my focus.  I’ll recognize when I don’t like something, but I choose to keep it moving until I find something good to focus my energy on.  So instead of giving my attention to things that I do not find pleasing, I give it to the things that make me smile.  It’s a conscious shift in focus, and it feels good.  This compulsion to focus on the bad in this society is toxic – it does not bring improvements to anyone’s life.

Whenever I do something clumsy in front of someone (like trip or bang my head on something), I usually laugh and announce “nothing to see here!” or “keep it moving!”  Maybe it’s a silly analogy, but that’s how I respond when I encounter something that elicits a negative emotional response.  Keep it moving.  Find something better to spend my precious energy on.

At any rate, I’m calling it a night.  I’ve got some work to do in the morning, and then I’m going to explore a bit.  The scenery is beautiful, the cacti are huge, and the weather is going to be perfect.  Much to love.

This morning when I took Lola out, the guy parked behind me apologized for the ruckus he’d caused so early in the day.  He was a younger guy, maybe mid-thirties, in a motorhome.  He introduced himself to me yesterday.  His name is Christian and he’s been on the road for five years in his 1979 motorhome.  He’s from New Jersey but spends most of his time in Arizona now, as he’s got two kids in the Phoenix area (as he explained, “I met a girl, our kids are here, so I stay in the area most of the time”).  He does a variety of things to earn a living, including training dogs to help injured veterans, handyman work…repairing RVs.

This morning, Christian’s fridge malfunctioned and began spraying chemicals (Freon?) everywhere.  He couldn’t get it to stop, so he decided to rip the fridge out of his rig.  Literally.  Ripped the damned thing out.  The problem was that the fridge was wider than the motorhome door, so after he got it out of the interior cabinet, he had to rip off the framing around his motorhome door to actually remove it (I’m resisting the urge to comment here about how that’s not likely a scenario a woman would find herself in… ).  He explained this unfortunate situation to me as he pointed to the old, broken fridge on the ground outside.  He also showed me the framing that had been ripped off.  His attitude about the whole thing was refreshing – peculiar even – but I kind of loved it.  “Hey,” he said, “When you’re a road dog, you just gotta learn to fix things. It’s part of the life.”

A road dog, eh?  Is that what I am now?

Road dogs, as Christian called them (us?), are a breed of their own.  I’ve been on the road for nearly three months (a veritable newbie, no doubt), and have met quite a few people who are full time travelers.  And although plenty of couples in gorgeous rigs with price tags in the hundreds of thousands of dollars live in their rigs full time, they aren’t quite road dogs.  Road dogs are more minimal, some by choice, some because they are living on a shoestring budget.  Road dogs know about solar.  They understand how precious water is.  They consider electric hookups a major luxury.  They have calculated how much power they can get out of their batteries.  Some are super friendly and social, some choose to keep to themselves.  It’s always interesting to me to see who sets what up outside their rigs – the different kinds of chairs, water bottles, rugs, flags, etc.  Some people, like Chris, stay on the move and don’t set things outside.  Other people set up for longer periods, like I do.  When I first got here, there was a woman in a motorhome who had set out several little solar stake lights around her front door.  The guy across from me right now has a yellow lab, and he set out a full-sized pool chaise lounge (you know, the kind made of PVC pipe and vinyl straps), which is just for his dog.  He’s also got three large dog bowls near his front door (his dog is well fed).

The type of people I meet in free boondocking spots, or even national forest campground where there are fees, seems to differ a lot from the people I meet at RV parks or more posh state parks (I consider them posh if they have amenities like laundry and a dump station).  There was part of me that was a little hesitant about free camping, concerned about the type of people I would encounter… but truly, I think I prefer the rough and tumble free campers.  I also have come to realize that I create my own experiences, and I choose not to attract in anyone with ill-intentions.  Only awesome is invited to this party 😉

Chris headed out yesterday, so it was just Lola and I on today’s hike.  It was really nice to have someone to hang out with for a few days and I look forward to catching back up with him at some point.  I’ve only got a couple days left in Sedona and then it’s south to Tucson where my Florida friend, Nina, is flying in to meet me for a few days.

It’s a good life. I am grateful.

Here are a few pics from my hike today near the airport.

Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.

– Mark Twain

This is such a beautiful quote.  To forgive is not just to free someone else from the wrong they have committed against you, but it is also to free yourself from being their captor.  And for those who truly learn to forgive, it is being able to love those who have crushed you.  Forgiving and loving those who have wronged you is a powerful experience.  The idea of forgiveness has been on my mind a lot lately and I couldn’t quite understand why.  I’m not one to hold grudges.  I understand the power of forgiveness and I am quick to use it.  I know that I am the only one who hurts when I begrudge another.

Still… it kept coming… this idea of forgiveness.  Then I realized what it was about.

Six years ago, after I finished the Transamerica bicycle ride, I started working on a memoir that chronicled the trip – and the event that sparked it.  For those who don’t know, my dad committed suicide eight years ago.  The following summer, I bicycled the transam.  There were events that occurred before his death, and things that emerged in the wake of his death, that made it really hard to forgive my dad.  During that time, I was also in a pretty bad relationship with a guy who couldn’t even come to my dad’s funeral with me (we’d been dating for over three years at that time).  So… I was mad and hurt.  Some days, I seethed.  I felt terribly wronged by the two closest men in my life.

At any rate, my manuscript opens with the details of these events.  For six years, I have bled over those pages (nearly 100,000 words), rewritten them, hated them, loved them, cursed them.  I have played with my voice as a writer, which has changed dramatically since I began writing it.  This manuscript has been the monkey on my back for too long.  I need to publish it but I just kept feeling that something about it wasn’t right.  Was it just me being a perfectionist, unable to let my baby out into the cruel world of agents and publishing houses?  Was I not telling the story the right way?

Then it dawned on me.  I haven’t felt like the manuscript was right because it wasn’t right.  Although I have forgiven my dad (and my turd of an ex-boyfriend), my words were still holding them captive.  Every time I worked on those first sections of the manuscript, I would feel sick.  My old bitterness and anger were still woven through the pages, and that’s not the type of story I want to put out.  It was a nasty time of my life, but I want people to be inspired when they read my words – to see that I made it through a better, happy, peaceful person.  I want to lift people up, not bring them down.  I know that the manuscript needs to be reworked.  I understand what I’ve been missing now.

There is a 4-day writer’s conference in San Francisco in February.  I am going to go.  And I’m going to have a polished manuscript by that time, which is ready to pitch, and is finally right.  I am declaring it.

My dad was a good dad…he made some mistakes, as we all do.  But I love him for the father he was to me.  I love him for all the softball teams he coached.  For all the hours he spent with me at batting cages.  For all the weightlifting meets he attended.  For all the hard, long hours he worked to provide a good life for my family.  For the words of encouragement, for believing in me.  For seeing the beauty in me that I could not see in myself.

And I love the ex for the strength he helped me find in myself.  For the independence and adventure he roused.  For pushing me to see what I’m really made of.

I left Moab last Friday, after a wonderful 3-week stay.  Moab is a magical place and I’m so glad I got to share part of it with my sister.  After she left, I moved to a location called “Seven Mile Parking Lot,” which is situated just off of Highway 191 (that takes you into Moab) and 313 (that takes you out to Canyonlands National Park).

The lot was about 9 miles outside of town, which was kind of nice, as Moab has become a really busy little town during October.  Seven Mile was a perfect location for me because the Moab Canyon Pathway, a beautiful paved bike path, ran right in front of the lot and went all the way into Moab.  Because the path was separated from traffic, I was able to teach Lola to run with me on the leash.  The pathway offers a quick, fast descent as you head into Moab, so a short 20-mile out and back bike ride offers up about 1300 feet of climbing.  Here are some pics of the trail I captured the last evening I was there.  I will most certainly be back.

I drove to Sedona in one day, which was about 380 miles.  I find that 200 or so miles is the sweet spot in terms of distance when I’m towing the trailer.  More than that becomes a little tiring, but I also sort of like to get where I want to be quickly.  I don’t lollygag when I’m driving to my next spot – I prefer to save the lollygagging for when I get there.  Because Moab was SO busy, and it was really challenging to find a camp spot when I rolled into town, I wised up for Sedona.  I made reservations at Lo Lo Mai RV Park for Friday through Sunday, which gave me the weekend to scout nearby camp spots without having to bring the trailer with me.  I think this is a really great strategy because it guarantees me a spot when I get a destination (instead of just hoping a spot is available at walk-up sites), and it prevents me from ending up down a road that I don’t know, with a trailer behind me, searching for places to turnaround if the location doesn’t pan out.

The drive to Sedona was beautiful.  Much of it was through Navajo Nation – total desert land until I got to Flagstaff.  I remember driving though Flagstaff on my way to southern California couple years ago.  It’s really cool to be driving through the desert for what feels like forever, and then climb up a couple thousand feet in elevation and find yourself in this heavily-treed oasis. I took Highway 89A to descend into Sedona from Flagstaff, and I can’t recommend that for anyone towing a load.  It was steep, with LOT of blind curves and switchbacks.  I wasn’t able to enjoy the beauty of the drive because I had to be so alert while towing (I did, however, get to enjoy that drive today… more on that shortly).

I got to Lo Lo Mai by late afternoon, set up, and relaxed the rest of the night.  Over the next two days, I checked out Sedona, scouted some camping spots, and hiked Bell Rock, a beautiful vortex site.  The vortex experience deserves more attention, which I am going to try to explain next.

What is a vortex?

I had never heard of vortexes before I came to Sedona, but they are a big attraction.  The claim is that vortexes are centers of energy (either coming into or out of the planet).  Some claim that vortexes heighten psychic awareness or help bring about spiritual awakenings.  I visited Bell Rock with an open mind, before I had read anything about vortexes.  I wanted to experience whatever there was to experience without the influence of anyone else’s perspectives or experiences.

Bell Rock is a giant bell-shaped rock monument.  Lola and I climbed out to the area where the vortex is said to be.  I found it really interesting that as you get closer to the alleged vortex site, you notice that many of the trees have grown in spiral patterns.

Interesting, huh?  I sat at the site for about 30 minutes and I’m not entirely sure how to explain what I felt.  It was a feeling of fullness in my chest, similar to the feeling of love.  It was very peaceful and fulfilling.  I didn’t have any psychic experiences or sudden awakenings, but there was something palpable to the energy.  The whole of Sedona seems to have this subtle energy, but I felt it most on Bell Rock.  I think that Sedona is worth a visit for anyone who is curious about spirituality or energy, as there is a lot to take in here.

New site, and a new friend

After checking out a couple of locations in the Sedona vicinity last weekend, I found a great spot on national forest land.  It was just a few miles south of Sedona, and the road to the site wasn’t bad (nor was it WAY back in the boonies).  When I scouted it Sunday night, there were several spots available.  The next morning, I ran out there again before hitching up to make sure space was still available – several people had come in that night and only one site was empty.  So I did what I learned in Moab and plopped a camp chair in the middle of the site and scurried back to Lo Lo Mai to hitch up.  I was back to the site within an hour, pulled in, and had to work some magic with my leveling blocks to make the trailer reasonably level.  As I was working said magic (that is, hammering some blocks under one of the tires), my new neighbor (Chris) walked over to introduce himself.  As wonderful as Moab was, the last couple of weeks there were a little lonely.  I didn’t connect with anyone as I did in Colorado, and I was really hoping I’d meet some great people in Sedona.

I believe I have.

Doe Mountain Road

Chris and I decided to hike Doe Mountain Road yesterday.  I’d read the hike up leads up to a breathtaking vista… and it did not disappoint.  We could literally see all of Sedona and it’s famous rock formations, from this lookout.

After that hike, we drove up to the Chapel of the Holy Cross, which provides another beautiful view of Sedona:

Secret Mountain Trail

Today, Chris, Lola, and I headed toward Flagstaff to check out the Secret Mountain trail off of Highway 89A.  The drive up this winding road was MUCH better without towing a trailer.  It’s amazing how the scenery changes as you move up just 1,000 feet in elevation.  This was about a 6-mile out and back hike.  There were a lot of stream crossings, but it was pretty easy and very beautiful.

 

When we got to the end of the hike, Chris pointed out this pretty Christmas tree, growing so perfectly in a field by itself… seemed like an interesting metaphor for life.

I’ve got a few more days to soak up Sedona.  There are some other things I want to write about before I leave – stay tuned. Love you guys.

 

I was chatting with a friend last night who is dealing with a significant loss.  Trying to comfort her, I assured her that time would heal and that she would emerge from this experience a stronger person.  Her reply, which was along the lines of “I don’t know how much stronger I can be,” got me thinking about what, exactly, strength is to me.  No doubt, my idea of strength has changed a lot in recent years.

I think for most people, when we think of strength, we think of power, bravado, fortitude, grit, brazenness, champions.  We think of people who don’t back down, who refuse to take no for an answer, who are unencumbered by challenges.  We think of those who blast through brick walls, who are both physically and mentally tough.  While these characteristics can certainly be traits of someone who is strong, I think they only tell part of the story.  Being strong is about so much more than refusing to crack or how many times you can get back up after taking a punch to the gut.  To be sure, strong people are relentless and persistent.  But truly strong people also do more than walk on coals and blast through brick walls.  Strength isn’t just about physical and mental fortitude – there’s an emotional component.

My understanding of strength has become more complex as I’ve weathered storms, taken risks, and given myself the chance to reflect.  I was naïve to ever believe strength was just about will and determination.  I’ve been blessed to encounter some wonderful, truly strong people throughout my life – from various walks of life, and in some of the most unsuspecting circumstances.  From these people, I’ve observed what truly strong people do:

They forgive themselves.

Strong people don’t operate on guilt. They understand that there is no value in guilt, lamenting the past, or beating themselves up over past decisions.  Life is a journey, and we often gain the most wisdom from the greatest trials.  You can’t always anticipate the future, and sometimes you won’t make the best decisions.  You can look back on decisions that weren’t your best and feel disappointed in yourself, or you can take the experience of making a bad decision, become wiser from it, and make better ones in the future.  You can’t move forward when your focus is on the past – strong people understand this.  Instead of feeling guilt or disappointment in themselves, they forgive themselves and commit to doing better next time.

They are okay with asking for help.

This is a big one.  Strong people recognize that it’s okay to ask for help – that nobody gets to the top alone.  They don’t feel defeated or embarrassed to seek help when they need it. They are independent, sure, but they also recognize that there’s a reason we don’t all live alone on our own planets.  When you ask someone for help, you are actually giving them a gift. One of the best feelings of elation a person can experience comes from helping others.  Helping others is a form of love.  When you ask for help, you give someone the opportunity to express love, and that’s pretty great.

They cry.

Strong people definitely cry.  They don’t have breakdowns over a stubbed toe, but when they feel moved to cry, they don’t hold it in to save face.  They’re okay with ugly crying and letting painful emotions move through them so they don’t get blocked up.  Strong people see crying as a tool for catharsis.  These types of people are able to cope with grief and move on in a healthy way because they are willing to feel the pain, to let themselves sob, to let it out.

They apologize.

Strong people know how to say they’re sorry when they’re in the wrong.  They are not over-apologizers (if you’re one of those people who says “I’m sorry” for everything – stop).  They know that apologizing is powerful, as are opportunities to make things right after they’ve made a mistake worthy of an apology.  To say “I’m sorry” and “let me make this right” is a wonderful way to disarm someone who’s been wronged and to show wisdom.  Apologizing isn’t a blow to the ego for strong people… in fact, truly strong people have buried their egos (but that’s a post for another time).

They put others first.

Strong people find satisfaction in watching other people achieve their goals, in helping others find fulfillment.  They understand that the rewards of putting others first always come back ten-fold.  For this reason, they are also wonderful leaders.  They eat last.  They are able to feel joy for others who they help succeed –  a really awesome, selfless joy.

They understand that peace is priceless.

Don’t get between a strong person and his or her peace – they will protect it fervently.  Strong people understand that you cannot put a price on peace, because they have actually experienced true peace.  They know the bliss of peace and they are unwilling to let people or situations into their lives that will rob them of their peace.

They take nothing for granted.

Perhaps this would be better described as gratitude.  Strong people are thankful – they live in a state of gratitude, and this prevents them from ever taking people, things, or opportunities for granted. They appreciate life with a richness that can only come from this constant state of gratefulness.  Strong people regularly say things like “thank you” and “I appreciate you.”  They want others to know they are valued.  They recognize opportunities when they appear, and they never waste them (because they know that some opportunities only come around once).

They know when to say when.

Strength is also about knowing when to cut your losses – when to recognize you’re fighting a losing battle and realizing that a change of plans is in store.  Strong people aren’t so hard headed as to prevent themselves from recognizing when it’s time to go with Plan B.  It’s not a sign of failure, its a sign of wisdom.

There it is – my short list of the other things that truly strong people do.  Strength is also about kindness, wisdom, gentleness, self-acceptance, and gratitude.

I love letting go of stuff.  It’s one of my favorite things to do… give stuff away, sell stuff I no longer have use for, take a bag of stuff to Goodwill.  I find it freeing!  I have gotten rid of all my stuff now, repeatedly.  Typically, by the mid-thirties, most people are working on amassing things, filling their homes with furniture, decorations, knickknacks, buying more clothes, adding to their shoe collection, etc.  Not me.  Things come in my life as I need them, and I let them go when I no longer have use for them.  If something isn’t adding value to my life, then I don’t have room for it.

I have shed my belongings three times in my life.  Weird? Maybe, but I’m not your average bear.  The first time I ditched my stuff was in 2009, after my dad died.  I was moving to Gainesville for grad school and I didn’t have the emotional strength to figure out what to do with my belongings.  I had spent two months in Colorado, came back to Florida about a week and a half before classes were supposed to start, figuring I had enough time to find a storage unit to move my stuff into. I was living near Orlando and had sublet my furnished apartment to a college student while I was in Colorado for the summer.  I had already rented a furnished room in Gainesville before I even left for the summer.  But in that 10-day span, I unexpectedly had to deal with my dad’s suicide, which, well, throws a person off.  The girl who I sublet my place to was in Florida on a college internship.  She ended up getting a job with the company she interned with and was moving to Orlando permanently.  So, I gave her my stuff.  All of it.  Everything I had gathered in my near decade of being an official adult… I gave to someone I barely knew.

And you know? It felt really good.  In the thick of losing my dad, suddenly all my things seemed unimportant – certainly not important enough for me to try to deal with, while also relocating to Gainesville, going to a funeral, and starting grad school.  Giving that girl my things made me feel good because I knew she could use them and I didn’t really need them anymore.  Truly, I had no idea where I would go or what direction my life would take after grad school – did it really make sense for me to cling to stuff that would just end up being a burden to deal with if, for example, I ended up moving to the west coast?

The second time I got rid of everything was in the spring of 2015.  I really had no idea what I was doing, but I wanted to leave Florida, travel a little, spread my wings.  I had just bought my Camaro a couple months earlier and my plan was to pack two suitcases and my dog… and leave. If you’ve ever seen the trunk and backseat of a Camaro, you’ll understand why I was only taking two suitcases. I gave my bikes to my mom to store in her garage (my bicycles are the only items that have survived these three periods of shedding), and gave all my belongings away to friends (including about 90% of my wardrobe and almost all of my shoes).  And you know? It felt good! I didn’t know where I was going to go and not having stuff to anchor me to any one place was a cool feeling.  I didn’t have any emotional ties to my furniture or clothes… it was all replaceable.

I ended up refurnishing a rental when I decided to come back to Florida for a year and a half.  And then, I sold all that stuff  (!!) when I decided that what I really wanted was to live on the road.  I thought briefly about getting a storage unit but it didn’t make sense to me.  It would cost around $200 a month to store all my stuff.  I knew I wanted to travel for at least a year or two, and when/if I decide to have a home base again, it will most likely be out west.  So then I’d have amassed the costs of a storage unit, plus the cost of shipping everything to wherever I decided to end up… which would easily total several thousand dollars.  I can do a pretty sweet job of furnishing a place for a fraction of that!  So, I ditched it all again!

I sit here, in this 21 foot travel trailer that I’ve been living in for two months now, and I am truly happier than I’ve ever been…. And I own less stuff than I ever have.  I have everything I need and nothing I don’t.  Everything in this trailer has to have a purpose – there is literally no room for anything that doesn’t.

Before I left Florida, my sister went to Walmart with me to get some things I’d need (bins to organize things, drawers, lights, etc.).  We were walking down the aisle with bathroom stuff and she asked if I needed a bathmat.  I stood there, probably for a good three or four minutes, debating whether or not I needed a bath mat.  Seriously.  I looked at the different mats, asking myself if a bath mat was necessary? Was it something I needed? Would it add value to my life?  All the while, my sister stood there patiently looking at me, surely thinking, it’s a ten dollar bath mat! Do you want it or not!?! It really wasn’t about the price.  I thought nothing about dropping $1200 on a generator last month after realizing that a generator would definitely enhance my life on cold, rainy days when my solar panels wouldn’t charge my batteries.  I was just trying to be intentional about everything I purchased.  I’ve almost come to look at stuff as a burden.  I don’t want a lot of things to drag around with me – just what I need, just the things (like my bikes and my generator) that will make the experience of my life better.  Stuff is replaceable – experiences are not.

Last year, I watched a documentary called “The Minimalists” (it’s on Netflix, worth a watch).  I’ve never really been someone prone to collecting stuff, but I do think that the doc inspired me to think a little more about stuff and its role in my life.  Things are just things – are they worth emotional bonds?  The things that truly matter in my life are my friends, family, my experiences, my health… and mostly, fulfilling my purpose.  In a society that worships consumption and consumerism, you have to be really conscious to delineate between the things that really matter (i.e., your relationships and memories) and the stuff that we (perhaps, unconsciously) place far too much value on.    There’s a quote at the end of “The Minimalists” that I think is pretty profound:

Love people. Use things. The opposite never works.  

#truth

I woke this morning to a string of messages from a friend of mine who recently got approval to start her dissertation research.  Without giving away too much, she’s looking at gender discrepancies in a profession dominated by men, exploring why it is that women don’t enter this particular field.  The last message she sent really resonated with me and I wanted to write about it because it is so true.  Ladies, listen up, this one is for you. This post is for all the beautiful, unique, and powerful women and girls who haven’t quite found their footing – who haven’t recognized that they can be, at any point and in any situation, a force to be reckoned with.

(**guys, you’re not excluded.  I am focusing on the ladies here, but I hope you, too, will find value in this post).

This was the last message that my friend sent:

Men already know what women can do, for f—s sake, they watch women give birth, in general kick ass all day … It’s the women who need to be recognized, and believe in themselves. Women who believe in themselves are fucking unstoppable.

I concur!

To be fair, that statement could be revised as “anyone who believes in themselves is unstoppable,” but in my experience (and certainly, as the research indicates), women tend to believe in themselves significantly less than men do.  So why is it so important for women and girls to feel good about themselves? Because self-esteem, quite literally, affects everything in life, from tenacity, ability to overcome challenges, to self-perceptions of intelligence.

The downward march.

For girls, this self-esteem drop usually hits hard in middle school, and I think a lot of girls never fully recover from it.  Middle school was torturous for me – it was when I first began starving myself and over-exercising, on a quest for rail-thin perfection.  It was then that I [incorrectly] learned that my value as a girl was in my beauty, my thinness, and the acceptance I could obtain from men.  My low self-esteem was fully the result of this obsession with my appearance.  No matter what, I never felt beautiful enough, and since that is where all stock in myself was housed, my self-esteem sucked.  It didn’t matter that I was a straight-A student, or that I was in gifted, advanced placement classes, dual enrollment, a pretty decent athlete, etc.  I knew I was intelligent and athletic, but I believed so fervently that intelligence, for women, was second to their looks.

If there is one thing I wish 35-year-old Jessica could tell 15-year-old Jessica, it would be this: “Your worth as a human does not lie in how closely you fit someone else’s mold of beauty.”

So, for me, I didn’t start to recognize my true strength until I loosened my grip on that false sense of self.  For other women and girls, the sense of low self-esteem is not so strongly tied to poor body image, but poor self-concept when it comes to their abilities to get shit done.  They don’t think they’re smart enough, or they don’t have a sense of independence.  I have been a lone wolf all of my life, and although I was almost always in relationships (until the last couple years, when I decided to really focus on my own growth), I always had an innate sense of independence.  For that, I am grateful.  Even when I struggled with my self-esteem or sense of worth, I never really questioned my ability to accomplish whatever I set my mind to.

I am continually baffled by women who believe they can’t do anything without a man in their life to help them – whether it’s to earn a sweet income to support the lifestyle they want, travel and see the world, buy a car or house, start a business, etc.  Ladies, it’s not 1900 anymore, you don’t need to put life on hold while you wait for the perfect man to swoop into your life.  And if you already have a Prince Charming, that doesn’t mean he’s got to hold your hand anytime you need to use the little girl’s room.  Most women are far more capable and powerful than they realize.  My friend’s sentiment was spot-on: Women who believe in themselves truly are unstoppable.

 Unstoppable

I love that idea of being unstoppable, of viewing yourself as a force to be reckoned with.  And to be clear, I think there’s a difference between being relentless in the pursuit of your dreams, and stomping on top of others to get there – the latter isn’t necessary.  Instead of standing on top of the mountain of bodies you took out in the pursuit of your goals, know that you can just as easily reach down and grab others’ hands, and pull them up with you as you journey to your dreams.  That’s what it should be about, anyways.  There is much more satisfaction in lifting others up than there is in being number one, or winning, or whatever other dog eat dog mantra that society chants at you.  But before you can lift someone else up, before you can (as Thoreau said) “Go confidently in the direction of your dreams!” – you must believe in yourself.  Ladies, you’ve got to see it in yourself before anyone else can.  You have to be able to create a vision and pursue it with confidence, regardless of whether anyone else is in your corner.  You have to know you’ve got the power within you to be unstoppable – that the only one who will ever truly get in your way and cause you to quit (or prevent you from starting in the first place) is you.

You don’t need to “act like a man”

As women, we need to lift one another up.  Give one another a boost.  Pull each other up over the barricades.  And to do that, we have to first have a sense of self-assuredness in every area of our lives – to know that whatever it is, whatever the goal, or challenge, that we have everything we need to achieve the desired outcome.  Not having a Y chromosome does not mean we are lacking in any way, but that our strengths are often different from those that men possess.  Thus, certainly, we don’t ever need to act like a man to accomplish the things we set out to.  You don’t need to “man up” or “grow a pair” to take on a challenge.  You don’t need to raise your voice or intimidate others.  There’s a tendency, especially in business, for women to (perhaps unwittingly) to take on masculine behaviors to climb the corporate ladder.  During business negotiations with men, I think a lot of women feel compelled to mimic male behaviors, but ladies, if only you understood the power of femininity, you would never again feel like you had to “act like a man” to get ahead.  Indeed, being a woman is one of your greatest assets.  A confident, independent woman cannot be stopped.  She will encounter challenges, as everyone does, but they will not stop her.  She knows her worth, she recognizes her innate power, she embraces who she is and does not feel the need to act in any way that is not 100% authentic to who she is.  She is genuine, she loves herself.  She embraces who she is and strides toward her dreams as the fierce lioness she is.  She doesn’t need anyone’s permission to pursue her goals, and she doesn’t close the door on ideas and dreams that seem too big to bite off.  For her, nothing is too big.

Whatever it is that you haven’t pursued because it felt too big, because you didn’t have the confidence to go after it – those are the things you must do.  Break through your self-imposed barriers and prove something to yourself.  You’re not a woman in a man’s world – the world doesn’t belong to men, no matter what social or cultural messages you find yourself slapped with.  You’re a woman, a powerful, capable woman, and when you recognize that and find the confidence to be brazen, to whip out your machete and blaze new trails for yourself, you will realize just how unstoppable you really are.  Take some risks, be okay with feeling vulnerable, take a trip outside of your comfort zone.

A word on naysayers

Not everyone will support your dreams, and that’s fine because you don’t need the support of naysayers.  Some of the biggest critics I’ve had were people who I expected the most support from.  Not everyone will share your vision or encourage you to pursue it, but it’s your vision, not theirs.  Whatever you do, do NOT let someone else’s opinion become your reality.  Your life is yours to create – not anyone else’s.

The pursuit of YOUR dreams

Your goals don’t have to be to become an Olympic athlete or CEO of Google.  And you shouldn’t measure your success, or the worthiness of your goals and dreams, by anyone else’s yardstick.  Ultimately, your goals should end with you being happy, right?  Whether that means starting a nonprofit to end world hunger or being an amazing stay-at-home mom, your dreams are yours.  Worry not about whether anyone else gauges your goals and dreams as worthy -they aren’t for anyone to judge but you.  Own your dreams for yourself, claim them proudly, and if someone wants to naysay or judge you for them, they can kick rocks.

It’s your life, and you won’t get to do it over.  Be bold while you can.