It’s been a few days since my last post… and that last one was a doozie. I’m going to catch you up on some random happenings from the past few days, and some things I was thinking about during my wine induced introspection last night. Really, my intent was to drink a glass and write, but I failed. And that’s too bad because it would have surely been a post to remember. One glass turned to three, and next thing you know I was down at a neighbor’s campfire, pondering life and sharing my own brand of philosophy.
Tonight, I’m sticking to green juice. But worry not, I have more wine.
First things first – Chloe. I miss her terribly. She was a neurotic, needy little dog, and I loved the hell out of her. I wasn’t going to share what I’m about to write about, because I’m sure there will be plenty of folks who think I’ve fallen and bumped my head – and I probably have — but this is my blog, and as the title reads, I make the rules.
I can hear her snoring at night. I didn’t hear it the first night after she died; however, I left camp and stayed in a hotel that night. I couldn’t handle the thought of sleeping in the bed where she died… it was too much. But the next day I regrouped and came back to camp. It was probably around 11:30 when I was laying in bed reading, and I heard the unmistakable sound of her little snores. I looked everywhere for an explanation, thinking there was surely some little motor running something, somewhere, that just happened to be at the exact rhythm and tone of the puppy snores I’d listened to for over 12 years.
I couldn’t find anything. And I’ve heard the sound every night since. It always starts around 11:30, and it emanates from different places around me when I’m in bed. This seems appropriate, as Chloe never slept in the exact same spot in bed. What am I trying to say here? Do I think my dog’s ghost is haunting me? No, I don’t think she’s haunting me. Yes, I do think animals have eternal souls just like I believe humans do. And I think the fabric between the spiritual realms and the physical plane we reside in (when we’re in our live, human form), can be very, very thin. I noticed last night that the snores seemed fainter. When I focus and try to tune into them, they become clear again.
I don’t quite know what to make of it – it’s simultaneously unnerving and comforting. I’ve had many strange interactions with spirits and such in recent years, and I do think that perhaps, Chloe just wants to hang out with me a little longer. And hey, that’s cool 😉
I will certainly get another dog at some point, probably sooner rather than later. I found myself wondering what the appropriate amount of time is that I should let pass before I get a new dog so people don’t think I’m either just trying to replace Chloe, or that I must not have loved her that much if I’m able to move on to another dog so quickly. I spent about a day pondering this and then realized that it’s my life, I’ll get another dog when I please, and if someone wants to be Judgy McJudgerson over it, they can pound sand. So standby for puppy pics because they’re coming, folks.
I’ve enjoyed feeling free from the need to style my hair or put on makeup since I hit the road. I mean, nobody knows me here, they don’t know how good I’m capable of looking. So why not keep the expectations low, eh? I’ve been cruising with this attitude, but then yesterday (before the wine, I should add), I suddenly wanted to put on makeup and do my hair. Why? No idea..hormones, maybe? I stood in my bathroom, staring at the reflection of this hippie nature girl and just wasn’t feeling it. I didn’t have plans to go out anywhere or do anything. But I wanted to do my hair and make-up, so I did. And then I put on a dress and heels and got in my dirty truck and drove to the liquor store to get a couple bottles of wine. Why did I do this? No idea, but it felt right. I had this moment when I decided that I was no longer going to question these ridiculous things. If I want to be camping in the woods, put on a full face of makeup and sit by a campfire, by myself, I’m going to do it. I don’t owe anyone an explanation. If I want to paint my fingernails red and then go hike to the top of a mountain, and pee in the woods on the way up, I’m going to do it. If I want to cook a meal and invite strangers over to dine with me, I’m going to do that too. If I want to sleep in until 9 and drink coffee all day, it’s happening. If I want to have dark chocolate and animal crackers for dinner, guess what? Bon appetit.
I’ve always found society to be this strange creature, but I also tried to (for the most part) play by the rules. So many of the things I would do each day — the things I’d say, decisions I’d make, places I’d go, people I’d interact with — were guided by some sort of social rule book that I guess I never really questioned. Mostly, I would refrain from doing things because I was worried about what people would think of them. And now, that just seems like a lot of wasted energy. I’m a good person and I want to live a good, honest life of integrity. And I do. But if in the process, I want to exercise my quirks, well… life is short. I’m going to endeavor to make more decisions based on what feels right, what satisfies my soul, not what other people will approve of.